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Vol.15 - Lessons Learned In My 20s

Updated: Jan 21, 2024




Happy Sunday, everyone! How are we all doing? Did we survive the Leo Moon? This week I’ve had everything from extreme PMSing, my skin peeling, an unexpected VAT bill and an old, balding man shouting at me and filming me in the park (in front of his two young daughters). On the plus side, I’ve also put out my first two Youtube videos and attended a preview screening and panel for the Oscar-nominated film ‘Women Talking’. I’ve also finally sorted out my health insurance after six months of dragging my feet. I’m finally seeing an endocrinologist next week after months of complaining but not really doing anything about it. In this issue, we have yet another attempt at a podcast where I talk about the art of disagreeing and how social media stifles constructive conversation, to lessons I learned in my twenties and the films that made me cry in public. Just a reminder that we still have The Rhubarb Society Playlist, which I am opening again for new additions, so please feel free to add ONE song that you think everyone should listen to at least once. And with that, let’s begin!




THE CLUB CORNER

a feature in which I take recurring topics and questions from my DM’s and try my best to answer them - on today’s menu, we have;

‘Would you be open to writing a club corner dedicated to lessons you learned in your 20s?’



I’m a little upset about having to write about this, as it is a firm reminder that my 20s are on their way out. However, I’m also very grateful that I can write about this. When I was a teenager, I thought I would have it all figured out in my 20s. Incredible career by 23? Married by 24? House bought by 25? Never suffering from a bad skin day because I thought spots were for teenagers?? I grew up in a time when social media was barely a thing, and only it really became a ‘thing’ when I was already in my early twenties. My comparisons as to where I should be in life came from my peers, my family and their friends and my TV. Even though my idea of being an ‘adult’ in my twenties was slightly warped, it is nothing like Gen Z, who have grown up with access to everyone, everywhere, all at once. Before I go into this list, I need to reiterate that your twenties are supposed to be difficult and confusing and that it’s not normal to have it all figured out and to be living like the protagonist of an early 2000s film. There is a very small % of people at that age who are live, love, laughing (I don’t even say this ironically anymore, I’m so sorry) because they’ve come from very wealthy families who bankroll them or have somehow managed to earn an insane amount at that age to afford a very cushy lifestyle. Just because you now have access to them via the internet and because you see them living like this, it still doesn’t mean it’s normal. You are not falling behind because you’re not where an online stranger halfway across the world appears to be via social media. Okay, onto the lessons;


  1. Your Friendships Will Change - This has been a tough thing for me to wrap my head around in my twenties. I’ve made a lot of great acquaintances, I’ve met lots of amazing new people, I’ve made some genuine friends, and I’ve also lost some. Adult friendships aren’t about who you speak to the most and who you see the most, even though growing up, this is probably what you believe friendships are. In my twenties, as I became busier and understood how important my time and energy was, I started to realise who my actual friends were. Who are the people I want to prioritise? Who are the people who I would drop everything for? Who are the people who would be the first to offer help if I asked? Who could I trust to be there when I needed it the most? You realise that the circle of people who fit the above criteria is incredibly small. And that’s okay. Don’t be scared when you start to see this change happening. You can and will make great friends as an adult, and it’s okay to let go of your friends from school if that friendship is no longer healthy for you. You’re not going to end up friendless; you’re just choosing quality over quantity.

  2. Everyone Has Imposter Syndrome - I promise you, the people you look up to and admire have the same moments of self-doubt that you do. I truly believe that anyone with an ounce of self-awareness has imposter syndrome. In this newsletter, I spoke about confidence, and in my twenties, the things I mentioned there have never rung more true. Whilst you are in your own head, doubting yourself and worrying about whether you’re good enough, everyone else is doing the same. We are all too self-absorbed to analyse others in the way we do ourselves. Nobody truly has it all figured out, so please don’t worry yourself thinking that you’re the only person who is lost and confused. We have a way of idolising ‘adults’ when we are younger, but as you age and start to speak to people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond, you realise everyone is kind of winging it in some way or another.

  3. It’s Ok To Say No - I hate letting people down, and I think part of being a woman is being conditioned to always be polite and make others feel comfortable. However, how many times have you said ‘yes’ to something when you know deep in your core that the very thing you’ve agreed to will make you unhappy and miserable? Your time becomes so much more valuable as you get older. You don’t have to do things that don’t bring you joy. You don’t have to deal with people whose energy doesn’t match yours. You don’t have to agree to something that serves no purpose to you. Saying ‘No’ and protecting your energy is important. It’s something I still struggle with, but I know it’s an important life skill to have for my own sanity and happiness.

  4. Why Give A F*ck About What Other People Think? - The way we give so much time and energy to the opinions of people we don’t give a fuck about is wild to me. And this is coming from someone who used to do this a lot. How many times have you caught yourself thinking, ‘I’m afraid to do XYZ because of what A might think?’ or ‘If I do this, then these people will talk about me, and that’s embarrassing’. When I first started Tiktok, I thought, ‘what if the people I went to school with see this and make fun of me?’. AT MY RIPE OLD AGE, WHY WAS I THINKING ABOUT PEOPLE I HADN’T SEEN IN 10+ YEARS?? Luckily, that thought was swiftly followed by, ‘wait, why do I give a fuck? these people are not in my life anymore, and their opinions don’t affect me’, but the point is, it’s still something that crosses our minds when we want to try something different to the norm. Please stop caring about other people’s opinions. They do not affect you or your life. The sky won’t cave in. You won’t die from embarrassment. Your life won’t be altered because someone you kind of know but don’t really care about has an opinion about you. You are going to be more miserable if you let people’s opinions dictate your choices than you are if you go ahead and do the thing you really want to do. People are always going to have opinions. You don’t have any control over that. You do, however, have control over your own choices and actions.

  5. Trust The Timing Of Your Life - During these years, it’s going to seem like everyone has something going for them that you don’t have. You’ll see friends get married, have kids, buy their first house, travel the world, party nonstop, reach career highs and lows, move countries, make headlines…the list goes on. Every time you see this happen, you’ll find yourself asking, ‘wait, why hasn’t that happened for me yet?’. You only need to focus on your own timeline and what works for you. Without making it all about me (soz), I would never have guessed that the happiest and most successful time in my life would be at my ripe old age as an influencer. It makes zero sense to me now, even as I type it out, but if I had trusted that my life and my path would work itself out the way that it did, I would have spent a lot less time in my early twenties, fretting and worrying about who and where I was in life. Everybody achieves different things at different times, and someone else’s timeline will never be the right one for you. I’ve seen how quickly things can change (for better or for worse), and in those moments, you have to trust that things will work out for you, or you’ll drive yourself crazy. Remember, worrying doesn’t change the outcome.

  6. Honour Your Inner Child - We spend a lot of our teen years trying to figure out who we are. Unfortunately, that’s hard to do when all you really want is to fit in and be like your peers. In some respect, I feel like that mentality trickles into our early twenties too. Some of us might go to uni and decide to reinvent ourselves into whatever personality our new friends have. Some of us go straight to work and fall into a routine dictated by our colleagues and our job. The jump from our childlike joy and wonder to becoming a ‘socially acceptable’ version of ourselves is drastic, and it can be easy to stifle the things that make you happy. As I enter my thirties, I’m realising how important it is to embrace all of the things that really make me happy. I think about the things that brought me joy as a child and the things I loved to do, and I try and find some way to make younger Tamsin happy. It’s also important to treat yourself with the same kindness that you would the child version of you. We can be our own worst critics, but we are still the same person as that 6-year-old who had hopes and dreams and ambitions. You only do yourself a disservice when you deny yourself the things that bring your inner child joy.

  7. Take Care Of Your Body And Your Mind - It sounds so obvious, but it’s amazing how you don’t really take it seriously until it’s too late. In your twenties, your body will change, as will your skin, your hair, your recovery time, your fitness...the list goes on. Suddenly you find new lines on your face or the odd grey hair. Hangovers will get worse and certain foods will make you feel unwell enough to ruin your day. Body parts will start to hurt, basic things can become more difficult, and you realise that the armour of youth is wearing thin and the years of abusing your body with bad food, late nights, drinking, drugs and smoking are finally catching up with you. Wear SPF 50 every day, take your skincare down to your chest, start using an eye cream, and listen to what your body does and doesn’t like. Keep active, get outside more, focus on building muscle, prioritise your mental health and take notice of the things you're putting in and on your body. Stretch regularly, drink more water, limit your alcohol and caffeine and check in with yourself every day. This is the time to start building a good foundation for the rest of your adult life.


FILM CLUB


Even if I wasn’t heavily PMS’ing, I know both of these films still would have made me cry. Despite these films being vastly different, they had an eery amount of similarities. Both The Whale and Women Talking are dialogue heavy, with the action centred in one room and covering difficult and taboo topics. One is based on a play, the other a novel, but they both touch on the impact religion has on autonomy and how a community can be both damning and a lifeline. Admittedly, between my own hormones and the full moon, it wasn’t the best idea to see two wildly depressing films a few days apart, but who am I to say no to two Oscar-nominated films?



THE WHALE

Before I knew this film was based on a play, the first thing I said to Henry was that the whole film was staged like a play, and for some reason, that distracted me. For those who don’t know, the central plot surrounds Charlie (played by Brendan Fraser), a morbidly obese and housebound English teacher who is attempting to reconnect with his teenage daughter (Sadie Sink) after realising he doesn’t have long left to live. I need to start by saying that Brendan Fraser is phenomenal. I initially wanted Colin to win the Oscar for best actor, but after watching The Whale, I was blown away by Brendan. Due to his character's size and inability to move, Brendan’s whole performance is from his mouth up. This man will reduce you to tears with his eyes alone. However, I do feel like the script wasn’t adapted for the big screen properly. I was distracted by the weird staging and odd directing choices. I’m not a particular fan of Aronofsky’s style, and there was a lot of overexposed dialogue that teetered between cliche and manipulative. Sadie gave an ok performance, and she plays a pretty decent, fucked up teenager. Hong Chau was AMAZING. Wow, I could watch that woman all day. The chemistry between her and Brendan is what makes this film worth watching. Despite my irks with this film, the lead performances made me forget about them momentarily, and by the end of the film, all you could hear was a room full of people silently sniffling and weeping. Is it an enjoyable watch? No, not particularly. It’s supposed to make you feel uncomfortable, and at times, the film borders on grotesque voyeurism (that opening scene? why??). Admittedly, I spent a lot of time feeling nauseous, and my tub of popcorn and banana and bailey’s milkshake went untouched. Is it worth watching? For Brendan alone, yes. I certainly won’t be rewatching it anytime soon, but I’m glad I got to witness the Brenaissance in all its glory. Despite its flaws, at the very least, I hope it teaches people to have a little more empathy and understanding of those in the same position as Charlie.


WOMEN TALKING

It really was a privilege to be able to attend this screening and the panel that followed. Going into it, I knew the central theme of the film was going to be heavy, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how heavy. Adapted from the novel of the same name (we were given a copy each at the event, so I plan on reading this ASAP), Women Talking follows a group of women in an isolated, religious community as they realise that for generations, the ‘attacks’ they have all been victim to in the night, weren’t the work of ‘ghosts’ or the ‘devil’ as they had been told, but by men in their colony. With this realisation, the women come together to decide what they have to do for their survival. Do they do nothing? Do they stay and fight? Or do they leave? The women of this colony cannot read or write, and they don’t even know where they are on a map, so the decision to leave comes with as many risks as the former two options. 90% of the film happens in the hay barn where three generations of women try and decide what decision will be best for the women of the colony, knowing that they only have a limited amount of time to decide until their attackers are released on bail and return to their homes. Whilst there are small moments of comedic relief, the film tackles horrific topics that are relevant for every woman today. Despite not knowing when or where this is set, it does nothing to separate what the women in this colony are facing from that of the modern woman today.All of the performances are standout (my only small issue is with Claire Foy and her wavering American accent, especially in the emotional scenes), but that’s me being nitpicky. The colour-grading also drives me mad, but again, just a personal preference. Much like Promising Young Woman, this is a film that I think everyone should see. It’s also proof of how important it is to have a woman director when it comes to discussing and portraying the issues that women face. There is tenderness and brutality, nuance and blatancy. The dynamics between the female friendships and relationships in this film are perfect. I thought about how often the women in my life propped me up when I needed it the most and how truly powerful a community of women can be. I’ll be thinking about this one for a while.




WATCH, READ, LISTEN


Here are a few pieces of media I've been enjoying this week...

  • This ‘Anything Goes’ podcast episode about realistic habits and the danger of picture-perfect social media routines felt timely, considering some of the topics in today’s newsletter.

  • This ‘You Can Make a Netflix Style Doc About Literally Anything’ is so funny and painfully accurate.

  • Speaking of Netflix documentaries, this week I watched ‘Pamela, A Love Story’. I didn’t know much about Pamela outside of what I’d read or seen in the media, but this documentary was eye-opening. Hearing her story from her perspective and seeing how the media villainised and dehumanised her, all because she was a certain type of attractive woman, was disgusting.

  • As you know from the intro, I’ve booked in to see an endocrinologist next week (they specialise in hormones) because I’ve been concerned that mine have been out of wack for a while. Recently, I’ve been loving watching Gracie Norton on TikTok and her wellness journey as she’s worked on balancing her hormones. She has lots of great information and tips and tricks that she shares.

  • On the same topic, I’ve been revisiting the ‘What’s The Juice’ podcast. In particular, I’ve re-listened to this episode on how your brain determines your hormones with Dr Alex Golden and Megan Blacksmith.



HRH RHUBARB


It’s been a while since Rhubarb has been featured, so we’re ending today’s newsletter with a few pictures of her from the week!


(L) waiting for me to throw a lump of mud for her (M) side eyeing me because I had a face mask on (R) being grumpy at the japanese restaurant

(L) caught making herself comfortable (M) basking in the sunshine (R) ready for her hot date

(L) being muddy (M) being needy (R) being sweet




And that’s all from the fifteenth issue of The Rhubarb Society! If you’re keen to get ahead of next week’s segment of ‘The Club Corner’, please feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments below, via email or in my DMs. If there’s anyone you think would be an excellent fit for The Rhubarb Society, please do extend the invitation below.


Lots of love,

Tamsin & Rhubarb

xoxo

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